Emotional Moderation.

I want love. I do. But I want happiness too....

Happiness is not a normal standard state to be in. Its not neutral on the gear stick. Its probably somewhere about 3^rd. I’m happy sometimes but sometimes I’m not and when I’m not I feel like this is a problem. That not being sublimely happy means I’m depressed and not normal. But this isn’t true, perhaps neutral is ‘a little bit bored’ or lethargic or just not feeling anything. Reverse is sad, but because I feel that I should be constantly happy, that I have a basic human rite to be constantly chirpy reverse’s status is upped to depressed. I’m not depressed at all. If anything I’m normal and experiencing normal sweeps of human emotions.

Ironically this is the most depressing (sorry saddening) thing, being normal, being standard. Not being Einstein or Van Gogh, just being kind of, well, average. I was diagnosed with ‘mild’ Dyslexia the other day and I couldn’t help being disappointed. I wasn’t even properly crazy, just mildly, kind of average. Average is rotten. It means I’m the same. I want to be different. Don’t we all. Very few of us actually are.

Difference means your special, famous, complex, interesting, volatile. It allows you to dream, to imagine that one day soon the world will wake up and recognise your supreme brilliance. I sense that in fact it won’t, and instead of being average and feeling nothing and being fine with it, the expectation of constant happiness and radical difference renders me depressed.

But In mot depressed. I’m average and I have a problem with that.